To some great loves

I can never decide where to eat, let alone know who or what I want.
Sometimes it's easier to run off habit. In these moments it seems better to stick to what you know, what's familiar and fuelled by nostalgia rather than something uncertain and filled with potential. The newness is intimidating.

Knowing what you want. 
Is it possible to want something so much that you don't reach for it at all? Do you ever fear that committing to virtually anything less than who/what you really want will only deprive the possibility of something better when/if it comes along?

Today I was told that procrastinating is not due to a lack of motivation but about the fear of failure; so maybe that's it - are we afraid to f-a-i-l in love?

I loved him once, twice, three times... will I ever stop? As the story goes, he was the wrong kind of right: charming, funny, inspiring and exciting. Then without reason he was suddenly devoid of emotion; too scared to open up to the possibility of love. But this wasn't one, it was a few. The number of you that loved me hastily and had me questioning what I'd done wrong, why I wasn't enough - only to later realize it wasn't my fault at all.

There are some that I could look back to and say: "I'm not sure what it meant to him, but it changed me." To those of you who've changed me, I thank you for being the inspiration behind countless nights where all I could do was create and fill journals with words - all the doubts I wish you could've answered. I'd like to thank you for all the tough times that made me stronger because even when you were rash with my heart, I'd rather have experienced you than not at all.

I apologize to some of those that I've met in the last year and have believed were holding me back in one way or another, because truth be told you've taught me entirely different and major values. Thanks to you I've become more comfortable in my skin, widely less stressed and a little more content with doing a lot less. You've given me countless laughs, new hope, and 2 am conversations in the apartment. I'm grateful to have been shown that I don't always need to have it all together, that you could love me despite my flaws, the mistakes I've made and the pain I may have caused. I love you for showing me that not everyone leaves when things are hard, and that I'm worth working through it for. Although people don't change overnight and the thoughts of my having to achieve more, be more, still come creeping back...I want to thank you for loving me despite everything; for loving me just because. 

I know it may not seem like I'm scared when it comes to you but in some way everyone's afraid of opening up to love; being raw, exposed and vulnerable is never easy but what's the alternative - never taking risks or making those memories at all? Passion is almost always worth it, even if it's not meant to last. Every love should be remembered; we're taught something great in all our intimacies. 

I may not make the wisest choices and my impulsive behaviour will probably make a mess of things but most of us are simple and complicated; intelligent and stupid. We can't always stay true to our promises even if when they've been said they were our hearts' greatest desires. I can't hold you accountable for the way things turned out because we all have to make our own choices, and whatever they may be - good or bad - they've led me here. 

I guess this is a sort of love letter to some great loves because in all those moments I was somewhere between loving you and still figuring it all out; in some way I think you were too.